too long...

HOLY! it's been way too long. Let me just say the internet is a bitter sweet thing. Mine hasn't been working for sooo long that I haven't been able to update everyone on what's going on.
Well let me give you the annoying update! Last weekend my darling hubby took our family up to Park City for my little girls 3rd birthday. Well there's pretty good shopping up there so we took advantage and went to the outlets. We were having pretty good luck finding things that fit. (usually a challange) when my husband wanted to go into polo to look at their dress shirts. Well just our luck. there was a sales ASSociate standing at the front, I'm guessing he was there to greet customers, but instead of feeling welcome he totally gave us a discusted look and rolled his eyes. I saw the whole thing and was really annoyed by it, in fact kinda hurt. Just cuz 2 "bigger" people walked into your store doesn't mean you have to judge us! So I said out loud "that was really rude of him to look at us that way" i said it loud enough for him to hear. & I know he heard it cuz he looked at me and slowly walked to the back of the store. I was really to the point of just mentioning something to one of the other associates, when I saw one of them who was bigger than me! I couldn't believe it, I felt bad for her, I mean if one of her co-workers was glaring at us, then how does he treat her? Ugh. Let me say it really ruined my happy shopping moment. But we left the store and I pushed it to the back of mind. Well I wanted to go into American Eagle and check out what's Hot, and I found some cute stuff, but again i saw the glances, this time from High school girls. I know I know it shouldn't affect me that much, I mean heck I have 3 kids plus i'm older then them, but come on it still bugs. so that was it i turned around walked out and said I'm done. How frustrating. it was just overwhelming. I mean how did I let myself get this way?
Another really frustrating thing, I was looking in the mirror, which I shouldn't do, but I do it anyway. I saw what?! Stretch marks! how gross, i mean isn't having to expose my fat arms to the world enough? now I have stretch marks to scare people? ugh, it really was rough. I couldn't stop thinking about it, i got in bed and my husband could tell something was wrong. I couldn't help but have tears in my eyes and I just told him "why did I let myself become this way?" ya really sad. So he had encouraging words and told me how beautiful I am, and said that I can do this.
So here's the good news. I haven't been munching as much. I have made better choices and I am just not really hungry. I feel like I can change. I am going to focus on my eating and get it in check and then start my exercise program. I don't want my kids to think it's okay to be unhealthy, i also don't want them to not be able to hug me with their arms all the way around me.
so back to the entry a while ago. my goal I still can accomplish my small simple goal. How are you doing on yours? lets keep in touch...
I'm not gonna let what happened to us in Park City get me down. I'm not gonna let other people crush me. right?! Nope I'm not! I'm gonna just let it motivate me. So the moral of my stories? when you fall of your horse climb back up and keep riding...

sugar-free gum...

"see what ya gotta do is chew sugarless gum"
"ya cuz chewing bazooka got me a fat butt!" -Kevin James (sweat the small stuff.
I don't know about you but Kevin James is pure genius! he is so cleaver about being fat, it just cracks me up, & I relate on so many levels.
In one of his comedy routines he talks about getting weight-loss advice from people who are bigger than you. I just laugh because to be honest I'm the one usually giving the advice. Well to be fair I would like to say I study up a lot on health and weight loss and I really do know about what works what doesn't, good exercises, and all that jazz. My problem is putting it in to affect.
So here's what up:
* try not to eat carbs after 3ish
*if you can don't eat after 7pm or in my case 9pm cuz i get super shaky from my hypoglycemia
* you really need to get your heart-rate up for at least 45mins to an hour
(just a nice stroll in the park isn't enough, i mean great for you getting out and all but make it really worth it, just a slow pace walk won't cut it folks)
*You really do need a positive mind. if you focus on all the negative then don't even begin trying to lose weight. weight-loss is not only physical but mental.
*set small simple goals, like drop 10 pounds in a month or even smaller then that. Just ones that realistically can be done.
*keep fruits and veggies ready to eat, cut up your veggies and put them in a bag or bowl right where your eye can see when you open up the fridge, same thing with fuits. Out of sight means out of mind, so if you don't see those bright yummy foods you usually don't think to eat 'em.
*really in many cases you should cut out all the "bad junk food", but in majority of us we deprive ourselves we end up OVER induldging and bam back to square one, so if you really have to have some chocolate have the 90% coco (dark chocolate) and set out like one or two bites and put the rest away before you even bite in. like store it in the freezer so it takes longer to enjoy or have someone you live with hide your "treat" and get you a couple every once in a while.
*just plain and simple don't keep the junk in your home, your most likely not gonna drive somewhere to get it. and if so go to the frozen yogurt parlor and get the smallest one. that way you don't have a gallon of ice cream in your freezer tempting you for more.
*if you do have one of those "oops! I just ate the whole bag" then don't fret, start over your next meal, don't put it off till tomorrow. just cuz you ate bad for lunch doesn't mean you can't eat better for dinner. we all mess up every now and again, jump back in! don't give up!
See what i'm saying I have great stuff about weight loss I just suck at doing it. So please do take my advice and get going. (yes i'm talking to myself too!)

sometimes we overwhelm ourselves with "TOO MUCH" take it one day at a time

So here's what's been going on. I know i've missed a few days but I'll be honest it's been an interesting few days. Plus my computer sucks and sometimes doesn't work. So I had a really bad day on wednesday. I was so upset that instead of feeling my pain and eating I actually didn't eat, I had no appetite. weird I know usually if I have a day like I did then there goes all food in sight. But I even tried to eat and i physically couldn't. so either that's an improvement or because i was so upset my body and mind just wouldn't allow food. & I didn't really over induldge when things got better and I did get my appetite back!
Now on my sad note, yesterday was a family reunion at a swimming pool, and we did not attend. Well one reason my husband was coaching football and we all went to support him and my nephew playing and second and most imortant I was not going to get in my swimsuit in front of my husbands whole family. cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I do feel bad I would have liked to see everyone and I know my kids would have loved swimming, but I honestly just couldn't do it. Nope not getting in my swimsuit until i drop a few. Ya and we are suppose to go to Hawaii and last time I was there I basically lived in my swimsuit, so I better get going, cuz I'm not, not going to enjoy my trip!
Oh then at the football game yesterday I remembered that I was going to be "smaller" next time I saw all those people and Oops! nope I wasn't, now I was prego last time I saw them, but I was going to be one of those "wow you had a baby and you look great!" dang see I let myself down, but I'm not gonna get down about it, i'm gonna do what I can, try and be confident and just be smaller by the end of football season! Hey they can watch the transformation, that would be cool.
All in all it was an okay few days I guess. sure why not. Yep I'm trying to be positive and I'm gonna be healthier and happier. Come on we can do this together.
So lets set our goals together. And as we meet them lets set new ones. and continue till we get where we want to be! remember small and simple to start!

Here's mine:
"I will be 5 lbs. lighter by the 4th of August." (remember slow and steady wins the race)
now leave yours in the comment box and lets do this together!

it's MoNdAY...

High school memories

ya i had a crush on these guys except the guy on the right (he's my brother)

just a pic of what i use to look like

Our High school Soccer team, i'm somewhere in the middle front

i'm the one on the very right on the other side of me my 2 best friends

I'm in the middle (yellow shirt)

Yep I took a picture of my year book picture (that's me in the middle)

I'm the one in the middle my best friend on the leftsome of the best girls I know!

It's Monday, so how many of you are starting your diets today? come on be honest, you know you ate crap all weekend cuz "i'm gonna start my diet on Monday". I know there's hundreds, nah, Thousands of you who do this every week, and yes i'm one of them! So here's the deal lets stop being "MONDAY dieters" lets start those diets Sunday or even Tuesday. Face it Mondays are hard enough. its the start of the week, it's just plain rough. So come on start fresh before you have to start your week or start fresth after you get through your "starting of the week" give yourself a brake. Oh and usually you start Monday and end Monday night, and then it's "i'll start next Monday" right? this is you admit it. Okay or you are the 1 in a million that starts Monday and continues on no problem. (good for you)

So for you who start monday and end monday lets try and Start Tuesday and push through till wednesday and go from there. i'll be checking in on you!

So I wanted to share a "fat moment" with you. It was before I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, and I was out shopping for clothes, when I ran into 2 girls from high school. I really didn't want to see these girls cuz they were rude in high school and apparently their ones who didn't change after high school and still were jerks. they are cute nothing special but they think they are "Hot stuff". So anyway, I try to avoid them and bam they still see me. I hear them laugh and then I hear them "try" and whisper to each other "oh my gosh look at her!" and keep laughing. Ya I know I have put on weight, but one of them was a tad bit heavier and really not very cute. but of course it cuts deep like a knife and really bugs me the rest day, and it still left a scar cuz I hate seeing people I use to know, because of how much I've changed physically. Now I really hope we've changed sense High school, you know how most were so wrapped up in themselves and really judgemental, so ya I do hope people have changed for the better and "grew up", I know I have, silly things aren't as important to me, well i guess apperance is still on my list, but I mean, I don't look at people the same, I try not to be one to judge. I try to get to know people's stories. You never know what might be going on in others lives. You don't know why people do the things they do, maybe their having an off day or maybe their stuggling with something themselves. You just never know. So lets try and not be quick to judge.
Now back to those 2 girls that laughed at me. I don't hate them, I'm hurt by what they did at the store, but i'm not gonna be rude or talk crap on them. I just hope they one day realize that being jerks won't get them far in life...
Sad huh, wow that kinda helped me. I guess now I realize even more why I don't want to see people I knew from back then. Huh, funny how talking about somethings really opens doors to reasons of pain or why I don't do certain things now. Thanks guys what great therapists you are!
Speaking of high school, do you ever wish you could go back? I just watched 17 again this weekend. I know it's a teen movie, but it really made me think. What would I do different if I could go back. Well first off I wouldn't have worried so much about boys, one impaticular. and I would have taken more advantage of being "just in high school" come one really think about it. You shouldn't have worries. I mean really none of that stuff matters now, who cares if you were the head cheerleader or the football star. The only thing you should care about are the memories. were you the jerk in high school or did you want to have friends, even with the "unpopular" ones. I mean I'd like to think I was friends with everyone. But maybe I did something rude to someone. I would like to be the first to say i'm sorry. really i am sorry from the bottom of my little chubby heart. I never wanted to hurt people. I know I had a few spiffs with certain people along the way but i'm sorry.
wow that feels great too! if this blog doesn't help anyone at least i'm feeling better and really expressing myself! Now here's my challenge to you. Leave your comments and what I want you to do is tell someone you're sorry, tell them you're sorry for whatever. you can use real names or leave your comment anonymously. Just do it. Be brave and balls up and say you're sorry.

rating calls...

GO AHEAD RATE THEM 1-10

I give them a 9!

Do you ever talk with your friends or whoever and go over and over how you hate being this way or that "if only I could change this..." or "I would give anything.." Yup that's me! I do that lots, ecspecially with one of my sister-in-laws. Well then if I would give anything then, why not give up my favorite treat or give up a few minutes of my time to go exercise? well let's be honest I just might not want it that bad to do that. right? Serious if someone really wants something then usually they get up and do whatever it takes. So oaky here I am wanting to not necessarily be super thin and skinny, but skinnier healthier. so what am I gonna do to make it happen? Hmmm, well I am gonna start by giving up some time on other lazy things I do and get my sneakers on and exercise. There I said it to all of you, now it's not only on my shoulders to do it, but on yours too! you know I said i'd do it, so now check up on me! I expect you to. That's how it's gonna have to work I need support and pressure. I work well under pressure. (come on bran I do, i might pull my hair, but I do get what needs to be done, done :0) )

Ha i was just remembering something from the good 'ol days. let me share...

i was a young 11 year old girl going through the awkward stages of being a 6th grader, i remember thinking to my hot young not quite grown into my body self, "UGH i'm fat!" i mean come on i know 11 doesn't seem young now-a-days to start thinking "I'm fat" but really back way back when it kinda was. While most girls i knew where worried about if they should still play barbies or start shaving their legs, I was with my friends calling boys and asking them to do a "rating call" and for those of you who don't remember or know what that is i'll explain. a rating call is where a bunch of you and your friends call up the cute popular boys in school, try to disguise your voice and ask them to rate 3 or more girls on a scale from 1 through 10 and you know how it goes: 1 is super ugly wouldn't kiss, 3 is you'd kiss but not tell anyone you did, 5 you'd kiss cuz their kinda cute and you'd only tell your best friend you did, 7 you'd kiss and wouldn't mind telling anyone, and a 9 or 10 for sure you'd kiss and brag to everyone!!! so while putting yourself through the torture of seeing what the boys thought of you on that dreaded scale, you hold your breath and pray they give you at least a 5, and of course they never go lower then a 5 cuz their moms taught them to "be nice" right?! now are we on the same page? so anyway back to worrying about my tummy being fat. so ya if for some strange reason i got that "5"( only cuz i believed i was being compared on the list with the cutest girls in school, heather, natalee, crystal, brittney, you know you were the prettiest ones girls don't deny it!) so ya being a "5" was NOT good. why do we put ourselves through so much, just to set ourselves up for hurt feelings or whatever? You do have to admit though, that it is funny "rating" calls oh man I was halrious. don't lie you did it too...

picture of final weigh in...

"after" picture of the bountiful biggest loser competition

here's all the darling girls who did the comp. with me. the 2 guys in the back are the trainers who kicked our butts! thanks to them all these girls look amazing! i'm in the very back with my mom, i'm next to the guy in black and my mom is on my left (your right looking at the picture)

wHy "maren and 1,100 calories"?

Me doing what i do best, eat...

so why? you ask "maren and 1,100 calories?"(sorry i must warn you so much to say to get to my point)Let me share, i'm a mommy of 3 beautiful kids and 60 lbs overweight, and well being super miserable in my own skin being overweight, oh i need to mention all my sister-in-laws had babies during the 3 i had, and are all back to their normal size or heck even smaller then when they started?! ya so gross, i know just not fair! so being unhappy with myself a dear friend mentions this little idea of doing "biggest loser" in bountiful! so i go along with the wonderful idea and join the group. Losing weight and oh wait bonus, there was money involved for the top 3 who lost the most weight, so why not join, perfect idea.

i'm going along doing the program eating my 15oo calories exercising daily making the time, and would ya look at that i lost 12 lbs the frist week and a half! super excited and totally motivated to keep going, i go on an 8 day family vacation to california! now out of my routine i gain back a pound but not discouraged i get back on and go, then i decided to get a job, mmm not so great it's a desk job, so going from always on the go mother of 3, i'm a desk mom sitting pretty much 5 or more hours a day behind a desk, then super tired when i get home i decide to sit more and "rest" i'd still go to the gym and play with the kiddies (not as energetic) but then i found myself eating not so good for you foods and not moving as much as before so the weight kinda crept up just a smidge, so i ask my oh so wonderful trainer what can i do to change the weight from going back up to going back down. he suggests cutting my calories even more down to yep, dare i say 1,100 calories, only cuz my activity level dropped so dramatically. Now crap what am i suppose to eat dang protein bars and water? no sorry sir not my style. so i try and cut the calories down a tad more (not to 1100) and go along my marry way when i come along another bump in the road, a little thing i call "Stress" won't go into detail with this one folks sorry,so now a mix of stress, not as much exercise and eating because of that lovely thing called "stress" i'm not losing weight, i think it's going up, in fact i know its going up so what do i do? i cry. yep all i do is cry, instead of going out and doing something about it i just cry. well as you know even when your feeling down the world does go on without you, so the competition continued and all the other ladies are losing weight dropping real inches and getting bigger smiles, and i'm in the background frustrated and sad. so i go on another family vacation, i get all motivated cuz i'm around my skinny sister-in-laws and i'm back home ready to get going on a strict 1100 calorie diet and exercise my brains out and what happens, the swine flu! i mean come on can't a fat girl catch a break?! so now i'm down and out for 1 and a half weeks and the competition is over in like 3 days. CRAP now what? i can't exercise my brains out like i planned, i don't have energy i mean physically i couldn't lift my youngest baby without needing to catch some air. so what do i do again? i cry. well i'm not a quitter right? i go to the final weigh in and see all the happy skinny smiling faces and it just kills me deep inside. i'll be honest as happy and excited for them as i truly was, i was also hating them. how depressing i was gonna be the "biggest loser" i was gonna "'WOW" the socks of all them, it was suppose to be ME! but instead i'm still the fat girl in last place. But i must add my mom did this competion with me and man, she looks, how you say, FAAAABULOUS! so now i'm the one left behind and it sucks, it sucks really bad, not only am i the only fat girl on BOTH sides of my family, but now i'm the looser of biggest loser. what else can bring me down?well okay after that sobb story i decided i can't let anything else bring me down, i need to get back on my feet and prove to myself that i can be that skinny girl. but one problem, I LOVE FOOD!!! so here's what's up i'm a skinny girl trapped inside a fat girls body, and i need to get that inner skinny girl out to the world. i need to survive on those 1,100 calories my trainer gave me and get skinny!so that's great and all right? well the only problem is it's super tough, dieting is maybe the hardest thing in the world for me. i love exercising and i love being active, but put junk food in front of me and bam i fall like a fat kid in gym class. i'm just a sucker for gross fattning bad for ya but oh so good food. there i said it i'm a food-a-holic. is there some sort of A-A meeting for food-a-holics? i mean of course it would be called F-A meeting right? but anyway yep i'm an addict. i can sit down and eat me some 5 or more oreos or more then a good handful of chocolate coverd almonds or even some warm and fresh doughnut, mmm i'm hungry, can you hold up while i get something to eat... dang it! back on track maren gotta focus. right so where was I? oh ya i'm just a freakin' food maniac. now i wouldn't say i sit down and induldge and polish off a whole bag of potato chips or i don't eat like 3 hamburgers at once, oh wait secretly once in my life i did, i ate 3 jr. bacon cheese burgers from wendys all by my lonesome self. sad i know. anyhow, i'm saying i do like to eat and i do spread my indulgences through out the day. i mean i really like salads without a lot of dressing and i LOVE fruit and some veggies, but really my problem is the junk food. now on top of the junk food i love oh so much, i am a very big emotional eater. yup i'lll eat when i'm happy, i'll eat if i'm sad, i'll eat if i'm celebrating, i'll eat if i'm stressed, bring on any emotion and i'll pair it with food. Now i understand that there really are people out there who just really don't understand how that feels, and i honestly envy you! so just continue to roll your eyes like i'm just using that as my excuse, but really emotional eating is a huge problem. i wish i could be feeling a certain emotion, and instead of turning to food, turn to my other passions in life, but it just doesn't work that way. really i've tried. so what else is there to do, become emotion-less? sorry folks not gonna happen. well i'm gonna try and figure that out and along the way try and put you in what it really feels like to be in a fat girls shoes. Oh and please don't say "your not fat" come on people i've heard that one before, & I do have eyes that see and mirrors that work. so put your lies away and just wrap your arms around this GIANT adventure and hold on tight, cuz it's not gonna be an easy ride. oh and please if i throw a few fat jokes in take my fat humor lightly it's just silly words of expression, really. so let me take you inside what it's like to be a skinny girl trapped inside a fat girl body! and i'm gonna be as open and as honest as possible some days may be funny, some may be boring to read, some may be a bit too honest, and some may be sad to read, but i figure the only way to get through this and off my fat soap box once and for all is to share my story with the world! and really show you what oh mo many thousand of us fat women go through, so enjoy...